"That never happened. " "You're exaggerating. " "You're imagining it.
" What begins as a simple discussion can transform into something deeper: a person starts to doubt their own memory and version of an event. Over time, confidence wanes and uncertainty arises: what if I really remembered it wrong? Gaslighting, or psychological manipulation, is a form of emotional abuse in which one person seeks to make another doubt their own memory, perception, or judgment.
Although it may seem subtle, its effects can be profound, especially when it occurs repeatedly in trusting relationships. According to a column published in Psychology Today by psychologist Susan Krauss Whitbourne, a professor of Psychological and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, this phenomenon is based on a key characteristic of human beings: memory is not perfect. The expert explains that remembering the past is not like playing back an exact video, but rather reconstructing it.
In that process, people tend to omit uncomfortable details or confuse who said what, which opens the door to distortions. It is precisely here that those who practice gaslighting operate. Unlike a simple forgetfulness or misunderstanding, in these cases, the manipulation is deliberate.
That is, the person exercising gaslighting knows that their version of events is not correct, but insists on it with the…
The most common mechanism of gaslighting consists of constantly questioning the other person's memory. It is not just about denying facts, but doing so systematically until uncertainty is generated. A study led by Lillian Darke at the University of Sydney (2025) shows that people tend to accept false memories if they fit a coherent version of reality.
In other words, if the story someone imposes "sounds plausible," it is easier to believe it. In that experiment, couples were exposed to misleading information about shared memories. The result was revealing: more than a quarter of the participants modified their version of events to match their partner's.
Even those who did not change their memory expressed doubts about their own recollection. This phenomenon is amplified in close relationships. Trust, far from being a protection, can become a vulnerability.
People tend to avoid conflicts with those they care about, leading them to accept others' versions to maintain harmony. Thus, gaslighting settles into an ambiguous space between certainty and doubt. The victim begins to depend increasingly on the other person's interpretation, weakening their emotional autonomy.
Whitbourne warns that gaslighting is increasingly recognized as a form of interpersonal violence. Therefore, understanding how it works is key to identifying and confronting it. Among the most important tools to counteract it are reinforcing trust in one's own memory and developing greater personal security.
Recognizing that memory can fail, but also that it can be manipulated, is the first step to avoid falling into these types of dynamics.